This winter I grew a beard because I work outdoors and was too busy writing a book to shave. Those are good reasons to grow a beard, but I’ll probably have to shave soon because it turns out hipster douchebags everywhere now have beards to go with their cubicle jobs and $6 lattes.
Apparently they even put product in their beards. This is all kinds of wrong. It’s an affront to those of us who know that the whole point of growing a beard is to not have to waste time in front of a mirror, doing shit to your face.
And so, gentlemen, I present this handy checklist to help you determine whether or not you should grow a beard.
1. Do you work outdoors?
2. Can you drive a stick shift?
3. Can you ride a horse or motorcycle without breaking your fucking neck?
4. Can you play a convincing blues lick on an electric guitar?
5. Can you break shit with your bare hands or feet using some kind of Kung Fu?
6. Are you a rugby player, a Muslim, or a bathtub meth chemist?
7. Have you written a goddamned book? Yes, this gets you into Beard Club. It doesn’t even have to be a good book, or a published book, but it does have to have a beginning, middle and end, and be taller than the head of foam on a douchebag’s latte when printed on paper.
Those are my criteria. Tell us yours in the comments.